Victory from Failure
by musicalwithfangs
Summary: AU. Edward just couldn't stay away. Jacob and Bella aren't BFFs. Basically what I wish would have happened in New Moon.


**Victory from Failure – EPOV**

_If Jacob kept Bella from jumping off the cliff, if their relationship remained firmly on a friendly level, if Edward just couldn't stay away any longer._

I had failed in my conquest to keep Bella safe. I just couldn't stay away. It was an impossibility. Still, I battled with my inner desires, reminding myself of all my previous arguments. But it was almost as if Jasper was influencing my emotions. It was inevitable that I lose to my wayward, _human-like_ feelings.

Now, crouched beneath her window, it took all my shattered self-control to stay where I was, to not barge into her room and sweep her off her feet. _I'll just look in, _I told myself. _See if she's okay. One little peek, that's it._

Swiftly scaling the wall, I hung out of sight, readying myself for just a glimpse. I wasn't sure if I could lay my eyes on her, then look away from the dazzling sight, but to not see her at all would be utterly wrong.

My eyes flashed through the familiar room, pausing on the bed, Bella lay on her side, curled in a ball, her hair covering her face, her arms tightly holding her chest. At first I thought she was asleep, her heartbeat was so slow and dull, but then she stiffly sat up, rubbing her hand across her face.

I feasted on the sight of her. God, she was beautiful. But somehow different. Paler, skinnier, her face lined with hurt, and the way she held herself... like she was constantly afraid someone would wound her.

Did _I _do that to her? Did I truly transform her, though not the way she wanted, into this emotionless, zombie-like creature? Bella was obviously not human anymore. No human could carry the pain I read on her face. She'd crossed into the supernatural realm and gathered the strength to not break down, the strength that I must not have had, since I was here now.

I felt a heavy twinge of doubt. Would my angel want me back? _Could_ she want me back, after what I'd done to her?

I continued to watch her as I wallowed. She wearily sighed and lay down again, closing her eyes, wrapping her arms around her chest again. I wondered at the position. Could it be that she, too, was trying to stop her heart from falling out onto the floor, as I had been attempting to do?

I obviously had been wrong, if she looked and acted like this because I... because of what I'd done. A person, a _human_ did not feel as she seemed to feel because of a simple romance. _She must have truly loved me, _I thought. _Does she still? _

I waited until her breathing had slowed and her head turned limply on her pillow before easing up the windowpane and sliding deftly into the room. These actions were familiar, but they seemed as if they belonged to a different life. This was a new era in my existence, completely unlike my existence with Bella.

So long... Her scent washed over me, intoxicating, still tempting, but comforting. I guessed that I'd been away from her so long that my reactions had changed. I couldn't do anything to hurt her anymore, to hurt myself, so my subconscious changed her scent to me. Her blood called to me no more than any other human.

I bent over her still form, longing to reach out, to stroke her perfect face just once in the darkness, but I refused myself, not wanting to take advantage of her, especially as she slept. She suddenly stirred, shifting onto her back, and I backed away, not ready to face the agony I'd read in her eyes were she awake.

I quietly sat in her chair, simply watching her, an action I'd denied myself for too long. Then my eyes closed, and I bathed in her breathtaking scent. How I missed that smell! I didn't know how long I sat there for, just using my senses to be with Bella. Then she sighed, and my eyes snapped open and focused on her.

I'd been wondering if she would sleep talk in her new state. As she moved restlessly around, I was sure she would. I was anxious to hear Bella's thoughts, revealed to me only in her dreams. _What would she say? _I asked myself. Something jolted through me. _Would she dream about me?_

She sighed again, and said clearly, almost laughingly, "Don't be stupid, Jacob."

I frowned. Jacob? I only knew of one Jacob here that Bella might know, and that was Jacob Black, the little traitor on the other side of werewolf boundary line. That thought brought up a whole round of questions, the most important of which was, _Are there still wolves on the reservation?_

I stopped thinking about trivial things like that as Bella's expression grew wistful, even in sleep. "I don't know, Jake." she murmured. "I think... I know I'l always love him, but he..." Her voice dropped to a mere whisper. "I don't know what he still thinks of me."

I was reeling. How could she doubt me? How _dare_ she pretend to not know the truth? But a little voice in the back of my head whispered, _You saw her in the forest. She truly believed you. What are you going to do about that?_

Before I could answer myself, Bella suddenly looked... furious. "Don't you dare call him a bloodsucker, Jacob Black! He has a name, and you will call him by his name. And in case your thick, _stupid_ head forgot it, it's Edw – "

She cut herself off, doubling over on her bed, gasping for air like she'd just run miles. She shook her head violently, and I was so preoccupied with her actions that I almost missed the words coming out of her mouth in a stream. "No, no, no, no, no," she muttered, over and over. She tossed fitfully before easing into a shallow, quiet sleep.

Well, this was interesting. It had been a while since I'd heard her insult someone like that. I think it was some time when Alice had tried to get her into something, and Bella just exploded. I smiled at the memory. And she'd done a good job chewing out this Jacob, even if it was a dream.

The bad thing was that she was dreaming about both me and Jacob at the same time. And _he_ must know that there were vampires in Forks again. Also, Bella still loved me, but had no idea I pined for her just as surely as she pined for me. Both revelations were potentially problematic.

"Why?" I heard her whisper. "Why did you have to leave me, what did I do wrong?" I froze, every muscle locking into place. She was talking about me. "Come back to me," she murmured, and a single tear trickled its way down her cheek. "Please come back... Edward..."

My icy heart shattered, and my hands felt numb. My whole body felt numb, except my head, which was feeling her pain just as much as it was feeling my own. Then the numbness went away, and my body was left to face the onslaught of this violent pain. It tore into me, ripping through the organs I did not need, but still felt. I'd never felt anything like this. Not even my transformation was this painful. This sensation that a huge hole had been punched straight through my chest was crippling.

I sank to the floor, gripping my head tightly, one agonizing truth seeping through empty veins. I had nearly killed the most perfect creature on this planet. I had forced her into this state of complete non-being. I was a monster, and not even the monster I feared of being.

The irony did not escape me, either. I had left her to save her from becoming a monster herself, but she turned into one anyway. Oh, no, not the monster she wanted to be, but one much more terrifying. As I'd noted before, this zombie-like being was no longer human, and might never be human again.

I stumbled up from the floor, the anguish fading in light of my dark humor, and I stood next to her bed. One hand reached out to gently caress her face, to wipe away the lone tear. I carefully picked her up so that I could lay next to her, then moved her frail body so that her back pressed against my chest. I chased away the pain and tried to fill the hole in my chest with her warmth.

I supposed the cold from my body cut into the warmth radiating from hers, because she groggily shook her head and opened her eyes.

She turned her head to stare at me, obviously bewildered. I waited for her to speak, cautiously examining her face to see how I would be received. She finally grinned at me and said, "Hi." I was surprised. _Well, if she's happy to see me, I guess that's a good thing. _"Hello," I replied carefully. She turned her body to face me, and said, "How are you?" as if we were meeting by chance on the street.

Now I was utterly confused. Did she think I was someone else? "I'm fine," I hedged. "Bella, I – " "That's good," she interrupted, then moved closer, resting her head on my chest. The next moment she was asleep again.

I stared at hr, perplexed, then chuckled silently, tightening my arms around her. My silly Bella.

I pondered how she looked. Her eyes were shadowed and dark, her face pale. She held herself like she was ready to shield herself from a blow. Was she feeling the same pain I felt just moments ago? I flinched from the thought. Bella was not as strong as me. Sure, I could hold the agony down, but could she? Was she forced to live with that pain every moment?

I closed my eyes against the wild accusations my mind hurled at me, burying my face in her hair. I matched my breathing to hers, and pretended to sleep, drifting off into my conflicting thoughts.

Time passed in an infinite moment. I must have held her for hours, because she stirred and I opened my eyes to a breaking dawn. For a small moment, I panicked. What could I say to her? I'd spent the entire night with her and hadn't thought of a single way to ask her for her heart back. I'd almost decided to leave quickly while I still had the chance and try again another night, but her eyes blinked open. Too late.

She stretched, still in my embrace, and gazed fuzzily around her. When she saw me, her eyes opened wide and she froze. Her heart beat wildly at the sight of me, and I saw intense pain threaten to collapse her.

"Bella," I murmured, and she jerked her eyes away from me, shaking her head. "Are you really awake this time?" I tried to tease her. Her whole body shook, as if she were cold, but I understood she was trying to ward off a heartache.

She didn't answer me, so I asked, "Bella? Are you all right?" I instantly cursed myself. What the hell was I thinking? I knew the answer to that. I wasn't thinking. I was too wrapped up with the thought of Bella being here in my arms.

She kept her head bowed, but spoke. "Not really."

Her voice was hoarse, almost broken-sounding, but it was beautiful to me. I gently touched her hair. "What's wrong?" I wanted to know what was whirling through her obscured mind right now. Was she horrified to see me? Glad? Was seeing me going to put her through even more pain?

She ignored my question with typical Bella fashion and asked another. "Is it possible to dream that you're dreaming?"

I frowned. Capturing her chin with my hand, I tilted her face up, forcing her to look at me. "Well," I said slowly. "I wouldn't know, but I suppose so."

Bella nodded. "That's what I thought. There's no other rational explanation for this. A dream is the only thing that makes sense. Unless it's another delusion," she added under her breath.

I studied her for a minute, shocked. She thought she was dreaming, or possibly hallucinating. "What if I told you that you weren't dreaming?"

She suddenly swung herself off the bed, crossing the room to the door, locking it. She had nothing to fear from Charlie waking up; the man was still deeply asleep. But I was touched by her thoughtfulness. She obviously didn't want this conversation to be interrupted.

She returned to the bed, but sat on the edge, so I couldn't see her face. "You have no reason to be here other than in my dreams," she told me, "so I wouldn't believe you."

I slowly sat up, and leaned close to the back of her neck, letting my breath caress her hair with my words. "You're not dreaming," I whispered. She bowed her head, then turned to face me. I had a hell of a time holding myself back from her lips, mere inches away from mine. I watched the shape of her mouth as she spoke, barely hearing the words. But the meaning of what she said pulled me out of my stupor.

"How can I believe you?" she asked, agony clear in her voice. I could see doubt mixed with the longing written in her eyes. She wanted nothing more than to believe me, but what I'd told her in the forest that black day had cast a shadow over all my other words.

I carefully took her hand in mine, reveling in the warmth and hardly believing this myself. "Let me tell you a story, Bella." I watched her closely, waiting until she met my gaze. "Just hear what I have to say, and then you can choose whether or not to believe me." She looked away, but I tipped her face up again. "Please." She slowly nodded, and I continued.

"About a year ago, I fell in love with the most perfect girl – woman – in existence. Her hair was the softest, richest brown, and her eyes... Her eyes could pull you into them and keep you locked there forever. She was witty and smart and beyond beautiful. But the best thing about this girl was that she accepted me, and even after learning about my worst nature, my dark side, she trusted me. She was my angel.

"However, I was putting this girl in horrific danger just by being with her. Anything could go wrong, and when it finally did, I was afraid that putting her in such close proximity to my world, I would inadvertently kill her.

"So I left the protect her form who I am. After all, the devil could hardly deserve an angel. But I had to tell my angel terrible lies. My entire being fought against it, desperate to have her back in my arms.

"So after six months, I had to return, hoping that she would understand and forgive me for lying to save her. Because when I told her that I didn't want her, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy." I gazed tenderly at her, and she stared back, all her heartbreak and suffering in her eyes and in the tears running silently down her cheeks.

"Oh, Bella," I sighed. "Why did you believe me that day? How could you believe me? After the countless times I'd told you I loved you?"

Her tears became sobs, and I pulled her closer to me as she shook and cried into my shirt. "It never made sense for you to love me," she mumbled through her tears, her breath hitching as she attempted to control herself. "I always knew that."

I was shocked. I almost roughly pushed her away from me, holding her by the shoulders, glaring at her. I could see that she really thought that what she had said was the truth. I shook her slightly and tried to make her understand. "Don't _ever _ say that," I growled. "_I _don't deserve _you_, and that is why I'm begging you to take me back. I can't live without you, Bella."

My voice almost broke, and I buried my face in her neck so that she wouldn't see the way my eyes burned with unshed tears. "I'm sorry," I whispered into her skin. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I repeated the phrase till it seemed to be etched in her skin.

I finally looked up at her, and she smiled at me, her face dry now. Then she leaned her head against my chest, and I wrapped my arms around her, trying to hold all her glorious perfection to my heart.

"So I'm not dreaming?" Bella asked, a serious sounding question, but I could hear the smile in her voice. "Definitely not," I replied. "You know, I had no idea your dreams were so vivid." She laughed. "They're usually not, but you've always been a special case."

I let my gaze wander from her eyes down to her lips. I wanted to kiss her, to feel what I hadn't felt for six months. How would it feel, to have her mouth under mine? Would it be different? Would it be the same? I wondered if she'd even want me to kiss her.

I tenderly traced the length of her neck, feeling the blood rush through and hearing her heartbeat speed up dramatically as she read the intention in my eyes. She tilted her head and leaned forward, closing her eyes and surrendering herself to me. My fingers traced her jawline and cheekbones, lingering on her lips, before I pulled her closer and gently touched my mouth to hers.

After a moment I wound my fingers through her hair, completely willing to get carried away in her warmth and scent and everything else that made her _Bella._ She stroked my hair and neck, parting her lips slowly, inviting me, tempting me.

So I kissed her back, moving my lips with hers lovingly, and she kissed me sweeter than any kiss she'd given me before. Our breathing spiked, and I couldn't seem to get enough oxygen to function, though I didn't need it. This was the only heaven I ever wanted. She was my soul, had complete possession of my heart.

Slowly, unwillingly, I pulled my lips from hers. I couldn't even justify a reason good enough to keep our mouths apart, but I wanted to hear her speak, and I had something to tell her.

Bella rested her head on my shoulder, kissing my neck and jawbone. "I love you, Edward," she murmured, and I had time to be disappointed that she had beaten me to the words before I was kissing her again.

I grazed my lips over her smooth neck, then whispered the words into her lips. "I love you too, my Bella."


End file.
